Drinks Break

My Work Here Is Done

2009-10-08T12:21:00.003+11:00

This blog was started in 2005, shortly after Australia lost the Ashes for the first time in over 11,000 years. It was, as the original tag line stated, a salute to 'the inevitable demise of the Australian cricket team'. The tag was later changed, as Little Captain Punter unveiled his true leadership skills, to 'the ongoing demise of the Australian cricket team'.

Now, with the Australian Test team losing the Ashes again and firmly ensconced in the mid-rankings, I feel as though the journey is complete.

We have chronicled Australia's descent into Test mediocrity (for, on this blog at least, Test cricket retains its primacy and ODI Champions Trophy victories and the like are disregarded). Now they'll either a) descend to Bangladesh-Zimbabwe-Windies levels, which would start to tip from funny to sad, b) maintain their current standards, which is boring or c) return to the top, which is even more boring.

So that's all. A little four year pocket of Little Captain Punter-led idiocy. That shall be this blog's legacy. I may come back with more posts in the future, if something particularly stupid strikes me. But I wouldn't bet on it.

So farewell Little Captain Punter. Goodbye Pupshark. Adios Mitchell's Johnson, House of Hilf and Peter Siddle In The Middle. Safe journey, Brett Scarecrow Lee. Get better soon, Mr Cricket. To Has-Been Haddin, Cryin' Shane Watson, Nathan 'Ho' Hauritz and all the rest, the best of luck to y'all. You're gonna need it.

And Jessica Bratich? I think I'll miss you most of all...

The More Things Change...

2009-09-28T12:24:00.002+10:00

In a changing world where Australia continues its predictable slide down the world cricketing ladder, it's good to know that, come the big tournaments, we can still rely on the Saffers to choke.

Thank you South Africa. Thank you for being you.

Huh?!?

2009-09-22T10:45:00.005+10:00

According to the Telegraph, Little Captain Punter has described the tour of England as 'one of the most enjoyable of his career, despite skippering his side to an Ashes defeat for the second time'.

WTF? No, seriously. WTF? Punter now considers Ashes-losing a fundamental part of happy tour? He thinks this shambolic tour was more enjoyable than the time Steve Waugh led the team around the country, kicking Poms in the butt wherever they went, fielding nine slips in an ODI, smashing centuries all over the place despite being unable to walk and only letting the Poms have a consolation win when Gilchurch took over for a rain-disrupted Test? More enjoyable than the time Tubby chose to tour as a professional captain and brilliantly toyed with the Poms, letting them take a 1-0 lead after a couple of Tests before surging home with three consecutive Test wins?

And he's coming back in 2013? Time to settle in for an extended stay in the mid-rankings, I feel.

What do The Eyes of Katich have to say about Little Captain Punter's masochistic sense of fun?

Little Captain Punter. The Eyes of Katich have spoken and they deem thee Misguided In Your Sense Of Fun.

Australia Descends Into Test Mediocrity... Fifteen Months Ago

2009-09-07T12:47:00.003+10:00

Australia beat the Poms in an ODI nobody cares about last night. Yawn. It still doesn't erase the fact they are now ranked Number Four on the Test Rankings. And, as we've discussed before, by 'now', I mean 'fifteen months ago', since that's the time lag the ICC ratings system works with.

So, what was the team that slumped to fourth in late May, 2008?

This one:

Phil 'Jaques on a Plane'

Simon 'Handbrake' Katich

Little Captain Punter

Mr Cricket

Michael 'Pupshark' Clarke

Andrew 'Roid' Symonds

Brad 'Has-Been' Haddin

Brett 'Scarecrow' Lee

Mitchell's Johnson

Stuart 'Don't Call Me Michael' Clark

SCG MacGill

No surprises there, surely. Three of this lot are seemingly gone forever/the foreseeable future (Jaques on a Plane, Roid Symonds and SCG MacGill). Two are in the frame but no certainties (Scarecrow and Stuey Clark). But the other six live on. Come on, Cricket Australia - let's dump the dead wood!

GUILTY!

2009-09-03T14:19:00.006+10:00

On my previous blog post, I got a comment from Captain Carnage, one of the fine denizens over at the aptly-named We'll Have A Bowl Blog. His comment?

"Hmmm...we batted, bowled and fielded better...Sarfraz carried the drinks better...Hilditch reckons we selected better...us bloggers blogged better...there's only one conclusion that we can come to.

On the charge of poor captaincy, I hereby find you, R. Ponting...GUILTY!!!"

This verdict, of course, immdiately reminded me of the scene in Superman where Jor-El (step-great-uncle of Morne Mork-El and his brother Albie Mork-El) sentenced General Zod. And so, a quick dash of Photoshop later...

GUILTY!

Ashes '09 Analysis

2009-08-31T09:32:00.003+10:00

An alert analysis from an alert fan:

This is my analysis of The Ashes series (by my stats) and Punter’s influence as captain:
Australia had 6 of the top 7 batsmen in the series.
Australia had 6 batsmen average 40 or more in the series. England had 2 and one of them was Trott who played one test.
Australia scored nearly 150 more runs than England did in the series.
Australia had the top 3 wicket takers in the series and took 12 wickets more than England did in the Series.
Australia had the 2 highest scoring batting innings in the series (6/674 dec and 445) and England had the worst batting innings (102) in the series.
Australia had 4 of the top 5 catchers in the field. And Haddin took more dismissals behind the stumps than Prior (despite playing one less test).
Yet, despite all of this we lost the series… Now, if we batted, bowled and fielded better both individually and as a team, then what other factor can be attributed to a series loss…

Astute stuff. Is it no wonder that there was a recent question on 'Yahoo! Answers' about burning effigies of Ponting? The question's since been deleted (or burnt in effigy?!? You decide), but still...

Ashes Fact Time!

2009-08-26T13:19:00.003+10:00

Sure, we can continue to go on about Little Captain Punter. And we will. My word, we will.

But not this day.

This day, I thought I'd instead offer up a thrilling Ashes stat, which I guarantee has not been revealed elsewhere:

Jonathan Trott was the first Ashes centurion whose surname is one spelling mistake from a type of horse's gait since Graham Yallop!

One for the record books, certainly.

What do you think of this thrilling piece of trivia, Ashes Obscure Fact Gatherer and Amateur Equestrian Jessica Bratich?

Boy, you said it, Jessica. Yowsers, indeed.

The Words No Australian Cricket Fan Wanted To Hear...

2009-08-24T08:21:00.001+10:00

Ricky Ponting, having lost the Ashes for a second time:

"With us losing here I might even see if I can make it back here for
one more go."

Why do you hate Australian cricket so, Little Captain Punter?

England v Australia, Fifth Test, Day Three

2009-08-23T11:15:00.002+10:00

England v Australia, 3rd Innings, The Oval, Day Three, Stumps

England 332 & 373/9d
Australia 160 & 80/0

Australia 2nd Innings

Cryin' Shane Watson not out 31
Simon 'Handbrake' Katich not out 42

Extras (b 4, lb 1, nb 2) 7

Total (20 overs, 0 wickets) 80

Australia only need 466 runs to win. Knowing Little Captain Punter's captaincy skills, they'll probably cruise to 544/3 tomorrow before he inexplicably declares. What a goose.

England v Australia, Fifth Test, Day Two

2009-08-22T15:19:00.003+10:00

England v Australia, 3rd Innings, The Oval, Day Two, Stumps

England 332 & 58/3
Australia 160

England 2nd Innings

Johann Strauss not out 32
Captain Cook c Pupshark b Magnetic Marcus North 9
Ding Dong Bell c Simon 'Handbrake' Katich b Mitchell's Johnson 4
Paul Collingwood, MBE c Simon 'Handbrake' Katich b Mitchell's Johnson 1
'Hot To' Trott not out 8

Extras (b 1, w 1, nb 2) 4

Total (3 wickets, 28 overs) 58

Well, barring monsoons or other similar acts of God, the Poms will reclaim the Ashes either tomorrow or the next day, thus cementing Little Captain Punter's place in history. Many will say this was the day that cost Australia the Ashes.

Me, I'm still looking at that last evening in Cardiff.

England v Australia, Fifth Test, Day One

2009-08-21T16:51:00.003+10:00

England v Australia, 1st Innings, The Oval, Day One, Stumps

England 307/8

England 1st Innings

Johann Strauss c Has-Been Haddin, b The House of Hilf 55
Captain Cook c Little Captain Punter, b Siddle In The Middle 10
Ding Dong Bell b Siddle In The Middle 72
Paul Collingwood, MBE c Mr Cricket b Siddle In The Middle 24
'Hot To' Trott run out like an idiot 41
Matt 'Richard' Prior c Cryin' Shane Watson b Mitchell's Johnson 18
Fred c Has-Been Haddin b Mitchell's Johnson 7
Stuart Bored not out 26
The Ugly Duckling c Has-Been Haddin b Siddle In The Middle 18

Extras (b 12, lb 4, w 3, nb 17) 36

Total (8 wickets, 85,3 overs) 307

Huh. Peter Siddle In The Middle comes good. And here I was, advocating for him to be replaced by Brett 'Scarecrow' Lee for this Test. Good thing I'm not a selector, huh?

OTOH, I would have had Stuart 'Don't Call Me Michael' Clark in the side from the First Test. So I'm not a complete fool.

Return of the Scarecrow

2009-08-18T09:41:00.003+10:00

Supercoach Tim Nielsen has suggested that Brett 'Scarecrow' Lee might make a stunning return for the fifth, final, Ashes-deciding Test. Why?

Well, because Australia only need a draw to retain the Ashes and so plan to stack their batting and, according to recent research, the Scarecrow is the eight-best lower order batsman of all time.

Number one?

Mitchell's Johnson - the Bradman of tail-enders.

What do you make of that, Team Lower Order Batting Coach Bratich?

Exactly.

Not Good Enough, Stu

2009-08-13T12:07:00.002+10:00

So Andrew Hilditch has explained that Stuart 'Don't Call Me Michael' Clark is no certainty to play in the deciding Ashes Test, with the other three quicks (Mitchell's Johnson, Peter Siddle In The Middle and The House of Hilf) all ranked above him. Why? He explains in this article:

"Although they've probably taken a bit of time to hit their straps, the reality is all three are now the leading wicket-takers in the Ashes, so I think all those selections have been absolutely spot-on," Hilditch said.

So, y'see, Stuey. If you'd just taken 16 wickets in the Fourth Test, you'd have a chance of being ranked a little higher. Lift your game, Stu.

England v Australia, Fourth Test, Day Two

2009-08-09T15:49:00.003+10:00

England v Australia, 3rdd Innings, Headingley, Day Two, Stumps

England 102 & 82/5
Australia 445

England 2nd Innings

Johann Strauss lbw The House of Hilf 32

Captain Cook c Has-Been Haddin b Mitchell's Johnson 30

The Big Bopara lbw The House of Hilf 0

Ding Dong Bell c Little Captain Punter b Mitchell's Johnson 3

Paul Collingwood, MBE lbw Mitchell's Johnson 4

James Christian Anderson not out 0

Matt 'Richard' Prior not out 4

Extras (lb 3, nb 6) 9

Total (5 wickets, 32 overs) 82

Let's assume that Little Captain Punter fails to bollocks this up and that the Australians go to the final Test 1-1. Foolish, perhaps, to underestimate the Australian captain. But I'm in a foolish mood.

Presumably there will be much joy from the Aussies in keeping the series alive for the final Test. But not from me. Because, let me remind you once more, Little Captain Punter. If you'd used your attack properly in Cardiff, the Ashes would be over, man. Your team would be 2-1 up and that would be emphatically that.

This is not a triumph. This is just a grim reminder of previous foolishness.

England v Australia, Fourth Test, Day One

2009-08-08T10:09:00.003+10:00

England v Australia, 2nd Innings, Headingley, Day One, Stumps

England 102
Australia 196/4

Australia 1st Innings

Cryin' Shane Watson lbw Mr Lily Allen 51
Simon 'Handbrake' Katich c The Big Bopara b Harmison 0
Little Captain Punter lbw Broad 78
Mr Cricket lbw Broad 10
Michael 'Pupshark' Clarke not out 34
Magnetic Marcus North not out 7

Extras (b 9, lb 3, w 2, nb 2) 16

Total (47 overs, 4 wickets) 196

Wow! The 90's Poms are back. And not a moment too soon. But, seeing as we still have the '09 Aussies, the game's not over yet.

Clearest sign we are no longer witnessing the great Australian teams of the past: Little Captain Punter giving Johann Strauss permission to delay the toss by ten minutes so they could check on the back of Matt 'Richard' Prior. In the old days, the Aussies would have denied permission and if the Poms complained, saying 'but we let you replace Haddin last game', there would have been laughing and snickering and 'aren't you guys idiots, then?'.

Remember, Little Captain Punter. The entire cricketing world thinks the Australian cricket team are the world's biggest douchebags. There's no point trying to prove otherwise. Make the most of it, man!

Bonus Question of the Day: How on Earth will the selectors justify not selecting Stuart 'Don't Call Me Michael' Clark for the first three Tests of the series? Show your working.

England v Australia, Day Four

2009-08-03T10:21:00.002+10:00

England v Australia, 3rd Innings, Edgbaston, Day Four, Stumps

Australia 263 & 88/2
England 376

Australia 2nd Innings

Cryin' Shane Watson not out 34
Simon 'Handbrake' Katich c Richard Prior b The Ghost of Onions 26
Little Captain Punter b The Ugly Duckling 5
Mr Cricket not out 18

Extras (b 4, nb 1) 5

Total (2 wickets, 28 overs) 88

After the rest day yesterday, it would take a complete, colossal breakdown on the Australian batsmen's part for the Poms to win.

So, expect the English lads to knock off the required runs shortly after tea.

England v Australia, Third Test, Day Two

2009-08-01T13:50:00.002+10:00

England v Australia, 2nd Innings, Edgbaston, Day Two, Stumps

Australia 263
England 116/2

England 1st Innings

Andrew 'Johann' Strauss not out 64
Captain Alastair Cook c Nanoo Manou b Siddle In The Middle 0
The Big Bopara b The House of Hilf 23
Ding Dong Bell not out 26

Extras (lb 1, nb 2) 3

Total (36 overs, 2 wickets) 116

Looks like the Poms took yesterday's advice, throwing the ball to The Ghost of Graham Onions. That worked well for them.

So today's advice for the Aussies is this - build a time machine, go back to Cardiff and finish the Poms off. Because at 1-1, the threat of washouts of the next couple of Tests is no biggie. At 1-0 down, we're firmly in Ashes '05 territory.

England v Australia, Third Test, Day One

2009-07-31T18:23:00.003+10:00

England v Australia, 1st Innings, Edgbaston, Day One, Stumps

Australia 126/1

Australia 1st Innings

Cryin' Shane Watson not out 62
Simon 'Handbrake' Katich lbw The Ugly Duckling 46
Little Captain Punter not out 17

Extras (lb 1) 1

Total (1 wicket, 30 overs) 126

The Ugly Duckling has admitted that the England bowling squad don't know how to bowl to Cryin' Shane Watson. May I suggest opening the second day's bowilng with a ghost?

Why Ricky Ponting is the anti-Steve Waugh

2009-07-28T08:48:00.003+10:00

There are two ways one can be an awesome captain of a cricketing side:

You can be a tactician
You can be a strategist

I shall elaborate, because, heck, it ain't much of a post if I end it there.

A tactician is somebody who wields his captaincy skills within the game. A brilliant bowling change. A challenging declaration. An unexpected reshuffling of the batting order. A tactical captain excels in these areas.

A strategist wields his captaincy skills outside the game. A strategist inspires his players. He brings out the very best in them (for, unlike the rest of us, it is not enough for professional athletes to do their jobs simply because they are being paid lots of money. No, they must be in the right headspace to perform. This is why there are sports psychologists, but not, y'know, accountant psychologists). A strategist will talk his players up. Will talk the opposition down. Will bond the team. His players will follow him everywhere and play at their peak.

A captain can, of course, blend these abilities, but such an uber-god is rare. Generally, the great captains excel primarily in one area or the other.

Of Australia's pre-Ponting captains, Mark Taylor was a tactician. Steve Waugh was a strategist.

Little Captain Punter is, alas, neither.

We've already seen how he falls apart in the tactician stakes - see Cardiff two Tests ago and the decision to bowl Mitchell's Johnson long after he'd fallen to pieces. Or give Magnetic Marcus North the final few overs at the last batsmen in, while leaving The House of Hilf standing in the outfield, picking his nose. This is one of many examples. No, Little Captain Punter is no tactician.

But he's no strategist, either. He doesn't bring out the best in his players. In fact, he brings out the very worst. Would Steve Waugh have put up with Johnson's bowling performances so far? Would he have put up with Dizzy Gillespie's in 2005? You can argue that Little Captain Punter has a weaker team than Steve Waugh did, but that's wrong on two counts:

Before Steve Waugh wielded his 'I believe in you' mojo, most people considered Matt 'The Pillock' Hayden's game unsuitable for Test cricket. Similarly, for Justin 'The Gnome' Langer. Steve Waugh didn't inherit a team of greats - he built a team of greats (or 8/11 of it, anyway, I'll return to Warne, McGrath and Gilchrist in point 2). Little Captain Punter is building a team of grapefruits.
The three exceptions alluded to above are Warne, McGrath and Gilchrist who would all make Australia's greatest team ever. Any captain with those three in it has an advantage he can't possibly claim credit for. And yet Taylor, Waugh and Ponting had all three of them at some point in their captaincy. (Okay, Taylor didn't have Gilchrist - but he did have Steve Waugh himself in the peak of his batting career. And what people may not remember is this - when Steve Waugh was at his batting peak in the mid-90's, he was officially rated a better batsman than Lara and Tendulkar, two undeniable all-time greats. A Steve Waugh at his batting peak just about balances out a lack of a Gilchrist)

So the three captains are just about comparable over the time period when those champion players were available. And what did they do? Taylor dragged Australia to the top of the Test-playing tree. Waugh built a team that ruthlessly crushed just about everything that confronted it (exception: those plucky Indians), in the process, making himself obsolete (not much point being known as the batsman who comes to the rescue at 50/3 once you build a team that tends to lose its third wicket at 300-odd. It's no coincidence that Steve Waugh's career-saving innings at Sydney came about when the team suffered a rare top-order collapse).

And what did Little Captain Punter do when he had those three champions in his team? Why, he went to England and couldn't inspire them sufficiently to retain the Ashes. It wasn't a lack of ability that cost the Ashes - that was shown fifteen months later when, pissed off and self-motivated, they got their shit together and crushed the Poms 5-0. Yes, there are other factors. The strength of the England team on the two occasions and the home ground advantage being the main two. But they don't explain such an enormous turnaround.

Steve Waugh inspired good (but obviously idiotic) players to want to run through brick walls for him and, in the process, they became near-great players. He inspired his great players to crush anybody who dared face them and only the occasional superhuman individual performances could stop them.

Little Captain Punter inspires his good players to descend into shadows of their former selves. And the only way he could get his great players into 'crush the opposition' mode was by leading them to a humiliating defeat.

That's why Little Captain Punter is no strategist, neither.

And that's why Little Captain Punter is the anti-Steve Waugh.

What's The Problem?

2009-07-23T12:08:00.003+10:00

So much cricketing goodness - so few cricket blogs.

First things first, KP's out of the rest of the Ashes series. Nobody seems to know what to make of this, whether it's good news or whether it's bad news. So I shan't bother to try either. But if was forced to ask, I reckon he's just afeared of becoming Nathan 'Ho' Hautitz's bunny. And, honestly, who wouldn't be?

The next most important thing is the cause of the Australian team's failings. Here are some theories:

Cryin' Shane Watson thinks it's because the Aussies aren't allowed to sledge. That's certainly an issue, but might be taken more seriously if it wasn't coming from a man afraid of ghosts.
Swine flu!! Travelling journalists have the disease. How many cricketers do too??
Mitchell Johnson's wrist! Geoff Lawson doesn't like its angle. Oh, Henry, of all the protractor-wielders out there, you'd be the first I'd turn to.

Here's what's not to blame:

Mitch's mum. Honestly. She said so. But she still hates his 'whore of a fiancee'.

But enough of all those problems and my attempts to solve them. Let's hear from a real expert on the subject:

Ricky Ponting's Shame File

2009-07-21T12:34:00.002+10:00

As uber-accurately predicted yesterday, the Poms wrapped up the match around lunchtime yesterday.

But we hold back my promised thesis on Little Captain Punter as the anti-Steve Waugh to present, via email, a loyal blog reader's well-researched Ricky Ponting Shame File:

"Punter notches another impressive record to his belt. The first Australian to lose a test at Lords since 1408. It's quite the highlight reel:
First one day loss to Bangles
Almost first Test defeat to Bangles until a Dizzy double ton saved the day
First Ashes series loss in 20 years (that's 2005, coming soon... the sequel: Ashes 2009 - Just when you thought it was safe to sledge the Poms)
Worst coin toss decision in the history of cricket (again, 2005 Ashes... Now, let's see, the best fast bowler in the world has just been ruled out at the last minute, how can I restore order to my bowling line-up...)
Highest one-day innings of all time (record held for about 4 hours)
Highest one-day innings conceded of all time
Helped Mick Lewis achieve similar stats in the bowling arena
Best hissy fit ever at 2005 Ashes series (followed by 2006-7, 2009 series)
Fastest exit from a Twenty20 tournament
I'm sure there's others in there and the list continues to grow..."

Shame, Little Captain Punter, shame. I'd put the Eyes of Katich in here to condemn thee, but it barely seems adequate.

England v Australia, 2nd Test, Day Four

2009-07-20T10:34:00.002+10:00

England v Australia, 4th Innings, Lords, Day Four, Stumps

England 425 & 311/6d
Australia 215 & 313/5

Australia 2nd Innings

Flashy Phil Hughes c Johann Strauss b Fred 17

Simon 'Handbrake' Katich c KP b Fred 6

Little Captain Punter b Broad 38

Mr Cricket c Paul Collingwood MBE, b The Ugly Duckling 27

Pupshark not out 125

Magnetic Marcus North b The Ugly Duckling 6

Has-Been Haddin not out 80

Extras (b 4, lb 6, nb 4) 14

Total (5 wickets, 86 overs) 313

Hey, remember when Mr Cricket averaged 80-odd?

No. Me neither.

A bit of talk of Australia having a sniff of victory. But, no. Sometime around lunch tomorrow, the Poms will take a 1-0 lead and at that point, I will offer my thesis on why Little Captain Punter is the anti-Steve Waugh.

England v Australia, Second Test, Day Three

2009-07-19T14:46:00.004+10:00

England v Australia, 3rd Innings, Lords, Day Three, Stumps

England 425 & 311/6
Australia 215

England 2nd Innings

Johann Strauss c Pupshark b Ho Hauritz 32
Captain Cook lbw b Ho Hauritz 32
The Big Bopara c Simon 'Handbrake' Katich b Ho Hauritz 27
KP c Has-Been Haddin b Siddle in the Middle 44
Sir Paul Collingwood c Has-Been Haddin b Siddle in the Middle 54

Richard Prior run out 30
Fred not out 30

Extras (b 16, lb 9, w 1, nb 5) 31

Total (6 wickets, 71.2 overs) 311

Well, my second option yesterday as to how the fundamental forces of nature would prevent the cosmic inconsistency of a Lords defeat to Australia was 'inept England captaincy'.

So, thanks, Johann Strauss for enforcing the follow-on. That certainly qualifies. MIghtn't save the Aussies on its own, but heck, it certainly helps.

What did you think of the England skipper's decision to make the Aussies bat again, Team Taking The Foot Off The Throat Specialist Jessica Bratich?

Perfectly analysed as ever.

England v Australia, Second Test, Day Two

2009-07-18T10:24:00.003+10:00

England v Australia, 2nd Innings, Lords, Day Two, Stumps

England 425
Australia 156/8

Australia 1st Innings

Flashy Phil Hughes c Richard Prior b Hans Christian Anderson 4
Simon 'Handbrake' Katich c Broad b Cheese & Onions 48
Little Captain Punter c Johann Strauss b Hans Christian Anderson 2

Mr Cricket b Fred 51

Pupshark c Captain Cook b Hans Christian Anderson 1

Magnetic Marcus North b Hans Christian Anderson 0

Has-Been Haddin c Captain Cook b Broad 28

Mitchell's Johnson c Captain Cook b Broad 4

Ho Hauritz not out 3

Peter Siddle In The Middle not out 3

Extras (b 4, lb 6, nb 2) 12

Total (8 wickets, 49 overs) 156

So, y'see, Little Captain Punter. This is why, when you're on top in a Test (eg the previous one), you don't fart-arse about with Magnetic Marcus North and the waywardness of Mitchell's Johnson. You win the goddamn game. Because it's too much to expect your useless batting lineup to perform for two innings in a row.

Luckily, it's scientifically proven that Australia can't lose at Lords. So I expect that Australia will be saved by either (in decreasing order of likelihood) a) rain, b) inept England captaincy, c) a brilliant lower order counter attack by Ho, Siddle in the Middle and The House of Hilf, d) killer bees.

Andrew Flintoff Retires

2009-07-16T11:24:00.003+10:00

You probably haven't heard about this since it's been kept totally hush-hush, but apparently Andrew 'Freddie' Flintoff will retire after the Ashes series.

Does this mean that Flintoff wannabe Cryin' Shane Watson will follow his idol's lead?

Fingers wholeheartedly crossed.

First Ashes Test Wrap-Up

2009-07-13T14:30:00.004+10:00

Okay, I didn't do day-by-day coverage for a number of reasons (most notably, my irrational hatred of all things Welsh). But I did watch the game. In particular, I stayed up until 3:30 am last night to watch England eke out a draw.

Now, I'm not ordinarily the type of person who'd criticise the Australian captain. (Or am I?) But, for the love of Stephen Rodger Waugh, I gotta say, once Little Captain Punter gets an idea in his head, it's almost impossible to shake it out of there.

Examples:

Mitchell's Johnson is bowling rubbish. Little Captain Punter Decision: Keep him in for a few more overs - we have plenty to spare!
Nathan 'Ho' Hauritz not look like taking a wicket? Little Captain Punter Decision: Well, bowl him to the death. He's got to come good at some point.
Straightest bowler and man who hit the stumps/pads most often (House of Hilf)? Little Captain Punter Decision: You just rest up in the outfield. Sure, the batsman aren't playing at deliveries unless they're on the stumps, but they'll come around. You'll see.
What about Pupshark's renowned ability to pull match-winning wickets from his rectal area in the dying overs, as he's proved on more than one occasion? Little Captain Punter Decision: Couldn't possibly work this time.
Magnetic Marcus North? Have you ever taken a Test wicket? Little Captain Punter Decision: No? Well, you're probably due. Let's get you bowling for the rest of the day.

I swear, sometimes I just want to throttle the man.

What do the Eyes of Katich have to say about Little Captain Punter's bowling changes pigheadedness?

Little Captain Punter. The Eyes of Katich have spoken and they deem thee Bereft of Tactical Alternatives.

Australia v England Lions, Day Three

2009-07-04T17:05:00.002+10:00

England Lions v Australia, 3rd Innings, Worcester, Day Three, Stumps

Australia 358 & 276/4
England Lions 352

Australia 2nd Innings

Flashy Phil Hughes c Morgan b Harmison 8
Simon 'Handbrake' Katich c Moore Rashers Please! 37
Little Captain Punter c 'Bacon' Rashers b Harmison 15
Magnetic Marcus North not out 106
Pupshark c Onions Souvlaki 80
Mr Cricket not out 11

Extras (b 11, lb 7, nb 1) 19

Total (4 wickets, 73 overs) 276

So, let's look at this.

Before this game we had

In Form Aussies: Flashy Phil Hughes, Simon 'Handbrake' Katich, Little Captain Punter, Brad 'Has Been' Haddin, Mitchell 'Johnson and' Johnson, Stuart Clark

Out of Form Aussies: Mr Cricket, Pupshark, Magnetic Marcus North, Scarecrow, Ho Hauritz

And now, after day three of this game, the order has been almost perfectly reversed.

Only The Handbrake of Simon Katich and Ho Hauritz have maintained their form line. Oh, and Cryin' Shane Watson, of course, who remains injured and on the sidelines.

I say, let's get the three consistent players in a room and see if Simon will strangle the other two.

What do you think of the bizarre reversal of form of almost the entire Australian team, Team Consistency Advisor Bratich?

Boy, you said it Jessica.

Australia v England Lions, Day Two

2009-07-03T14:55:00.003+10:00

England Lions v Australia, 2nd Innings, Worcester, Day Two, Stumps

Australia 358
England Lions 302/6

Jumpin' Joe Denly b Scarecrow 66
Please Sir, I Want Some Moore c Has-Been Haddin b Scarecrow 120
Ding-Dong Bell lbw b Scarecrow 0
Vikram Souvlaki b Scarecrow 8
Eioioiaioan Morgan lbw b Scarecrow 4
Steve Davies b Pupshark b Magnetic Marcus North 53
Adil 'Bacon' Rasher not out 36
Tim 'Rashers of' Bacon not out 0

Extras (b 5, lb 2, nb 8) 15

Total (6 wickets, 81 overs) 302

Well, for the first time in seeming forever, the Scarecrow comes to the rescue.

Yes, you read that correctly. Brett 'Scarecrow' Lee came to the rescue.

Ho Hauritz? Not so much.

Australia v England Lions, Day One

2009-07-02T14:33:00.002+10:00

England Lions v Australia, 1st Innings, Worcester, Day One, Stumps

Flashy Phil Hughes c Denly b Harmison 7

Simon 'Handbrake' Katich c 'Extra' Onions b Harmison 95

Little Captain Punter c Souvlaki with 'Extra' Onions 1

Mr Cricket not out 143

Pupshark c Rashers of Bacon 4

Magnetic Marcus North b 'Extra' Onions 1

Brad 'Has-Been' Haddin lbw b Bacon 7

Mitchell 'Johnson &' Johnson c Davies b Bacon 47

Brett 'Scarecrow' Lee b Harmison 6

Nathan 'Ho' Hauritz not out 7

Extras (b 6, lb 10, nb 3) 19

Total (8 wickets, 90 overs) 337

What a stupid old scorecard that is. Still, as warmups for the Ashes go, this one was just about perfect for the Aussies. Pupshark and Little Captain Punter demonstrating yet again why they put the word 'unit' into 'captaincy unit' and Magnetic Marcus North's compass still as wobbly as ever.

On the other hand, Mr Cricket surged back into form and Our Man Mitch continued to tonk. Now, if we can just get the Scarecrow back into taking wickets off no balls, Ho Hauritz bowling rubbish and Cryin' Shane Watson watching injured from the sideline, I think the Aussie team will be precisely where we expected them to be for the First Test.

Peter Siddle Loves Zoe Goss... Pass It On

2009-06-30T13:04:00.004+10:00

Apparently, Pupshark and the rest of the team talk about Andrew 'Roid' Symonds 'daily'.

Huh?

Is this the Australian cricket team? Or the cast for the new season of Gossip Girl?

Related: Who would win a game of cricket between the cast of Gossip Girl and the Australian 20/20 team? Show your working.

What Would Bradman Do?

2009-06-27T10:50:00.005+10:00

Well, this is bizarre.

The Australians have been urged by Cricket Australia chiefs not to:

display visible aggression or sledge
be disappointed, despondent or abrupt with the media
spit or swear
claim dropped catches

In essence, they're being urged to abandon most of the very skills that made the Steve Waugh era team such a champion squad. This way lies madness, surely.

What else should the Australians be urged not to do? Make your choice in the poll to the right there.

A Simple Plea

2009-06-25T11:31:00.003+10:00

Apparently, Cryin' Shane Watson isn't going to give up.

Shane? Mate? Please do.

Guess Who Is Injured Again?

2009-06-23T15:57:00.001+10:00

I'll give you a clue... tears have been shed.

A Plan For Australia's 20/20 Future

2009-06-22T09:57:00.003+10:00

Kudos Pakistanis on your World Cup 20/20 victory. May you reign supreme until, uh, late next year when yet another 20/20 World Cup looms.

Here's a radical plan for Australia to take the crown off the Pakistanis at that tournament. Or, y'know, get past the first round (let's not get ahead of ourselves):

Make Andrew 'Roid' Symonds the captain and team selector.

No, seriously. He's the best 20/20 player Australia has. Let's build the team around him. Discard the coaches, the team managers, the selectors, all the rest of it. Just have Symonds pick whoever the hell he pleases, have them rock up to the tournament, drink whenever they feel like it, train whenever they feel like it and go out there and play.

You know that under this radical, stripped-back plan, SMS Warne would rejoin the squad. You'd probably get the Pillar back to open as well. And most importantly, you wouldn't have Little Captain Punter and Pupshark in there, sucking the life out of the team with their 20/20 hopelessness.

What do you reckon, Cricket Australia? Nothing else you've tried has worked. Let's think outside the box and inside the bottle.

What do you think of this plan, Team Lateral Thinking Consultant Bratich?

Exactly.

The Choke's On You

2009-06-20T14:51:00.006+10:00

Oh, sure, I could make fun of the Saffer's denials that they've choked once more.

But, heck, I've done that before. In fact, here's the list of the previous declarations of non-chokes (with fresh addition)

"Defeated Smith Plays Down 'Chokers' Tag", June 18, 2009, NEW!

"Proteas Say Era of Torment Is Over", December 16, 2008

"We Are Not Chokers - Smith", April 18, 2007

"Proteas Are Chokers No More, Says Kallis", October 9, 2006

"SA Dismiss Chokers Tag", October 13, 2003

"Smith: We're Not Chokers", August 9, 2003

"We're Not Chokers, says Jonty", March 21, 2002

So, instead, let's see what Jessica Bratich (now officially replacing Lara Bingle as Australia Cricket's Number One WAG) has to say about the Saffer's latest claims:

You said it, Jessica. 'Yowsers', indeed.

Still More Updates on Australia's 20/20 World Cup Campaign

2009-06-15T09:53:00.003+10:00

"Hey, Graeme Hick just got an MBE."

"Yeah, sure Punter."

"No, seriously. It's in the paper."

"What. Ever. I'm off to get a peach daiquiri."

"I believe you, Ricky."

"Oh, shut up Pup, you little suck."

More Updates On Australia's 20/20 World Cup Camnpaign

2009-06-13T12:06:00.005+10:00

"Hey, is that Katto?"

"Where? Where?"

"Ha ha! Got you again, Pup."

"You suck, Mitchell. And quit your sniggering, Peter. I'm still vice-captain, you know... Hey! Quit splashing me, or I'll tell Tim. Right. That does it. I'm telling Tim. Tiiii-iiiim!! The bowlers are splashing me!"

(picture, right, "I should be leading this attack on Pup," thinks Scarecrow)

Update On Australia's 20/20 World Cup Campaign

2009-06-11T09:51:00.003+10:00

"Isn't Leicester beautiful?"

Australia Lose Other 20/20 Game (Equally Predictably)

2009-06-09T10:27:00.007+10:00

As other teams pull out some surprises - Poms winning a game, Bangladesh pushing the powerhouse Irish to the second-last over, Jacques Kallis contributing to a victory - the Australians continue to remain the most consistent 20/20 team on the planet, this time losing to Sri Lanka.

How'd the team go this time around?

Cryin' Shane Watson: Batted at slightly over a run a ball. Bowled at two runs a ball.

David 'Merry Melodies' Warner: Out in the first over as one would expect.

Little Captain Punter: Made some runs. Captained like a weiner.

Brad 'Has-Been' Haddin: Got out before he even started to look good.

Michael 'Pupshark' Clarke: Bowled better than he batted.

Young Master Cricket: Tonked some runs. But nowhere near enough.

Mr Cricket: Took five deliveries to score a sublime one.

Mitchell 'Johnson &' Johnson: Best batsman in the innings. Ended the game by bowling a wide.

Brett 'Scarecrow' Lee: Batted well. Also bowled well in the first half of most overs. Bowled rubbish in the second half of his overs.

Nathan 'Ho' Hauritz: Second-best Australian spin bowler.

Nathan 'Gabba' Bracken: Batting strike rate of 400!!

Andrew 'Roid' Symonds: Still at home, laughing until beer comes out of his nose.

Australia has the makings of a fine lower order batting unit with Mitchell 'Johnson &' Johnson, Scarecrow and Gabba Bracken all scoring quickly.

Now, if only they could find some fast bowlers.

And a top and middle order batting unit.

Next 20/20 World Cup is only eighteen months away, lads... Until then, go hang out with the Scots and the Bangles and what ever other team is knocked out in the opening rounds.

Australia Lose Opening 20/20 Game (Predictably)

2009-06-07T09:25:00.004+10:00

No real surprises in the opening few games of the 20/20 World Cup. Poms lost to the powerhouse Dutch. Rain made the Kiwis-Scots game a joke. Yuvraj Singh went batshit.

And, of course, Australia lost another 20/20 match.

All to be expected, of course. But let's go into more depth on exactly how predictable the Aussies were:

Cryin' Shane Watson: Out for an absurd pissweak duck. Bowled two nufty overs.

David 'Merry Melodies' Warner: Made some runs! Predictably unpredictable.

Little Captain Punter: Out even quicker than Cryin' Shane Watson.

Michael 'Pupshark' Clarke: Played himself in, consolidating for 13 balls before being dismissed for two. Bowled one rubbish over of dross.

Brad 'Has-Been' Haddin: Got out just when he was starting to look dangerous.

Young Master Cricket: Smashed some big sixes in the sixteen deliveries he batted. Got smashed for just as many in the six deliveries he bowled.

Mr Cricket: Not out. Dropped a skied catch.

Mitchell 'Johnson &' Johnson: Equally good at batting and bowling. And by 'good', I mean 'mediocre'.

Brett 'Scarecrow' Lee: Usual England form. Four overs. Fifty-six runs.

James 'Dashed' Hopes: Didn't bat. Sorta bowled.

Nathan 'Gabba' Bracken: Bowled two overs of disguised slower balls and changes of pace, most of which went to the boundary.

Andrew 'Roid' Symonds: Sitting at home with a sixpack, laughing his guts out.

What's your predictable reaction to the Australian's predictably lamentable standard of 20/20 play, Team Consistency Expert Bingle?

Predictably awesome.

Close Enough

2009-06-05T09:32:00.003+10:00

From this post back on May 5 analysing Australia's World 20/20 Cup Squad:

Andrew 'Roid' Symonds (5-1) - will show up drunk to at least one game

Gosh, I was close enough, surely.

Killer Cricket Balls!

2009-06-03T12:44:00.005+10:00

Well, Australia have won a couple of warm-up games for the 20/20 World Cup, defeating the Kiwis and also bogey team Bangladesh.

This might be news in another week, especially with Cryin' Shane Watson getting among the runs (and not in a diarrhoea kind of way). But not this week. This week, the world is gasping at news of killer cricket ball missiles!!

First, Jacques Rudolph propels a ball into a hapless pigeon, killing it instantly.

Then a schoolboy was hospitalised after KP unleashed his own killer cricket ball missile.

Who will be struck next by this outbreak of killer cricket balls? An umpire? Lara Bingle?? South Korea??? One thing's for sure, it's certainly got the Poms excited by the upcoming World Cup in a way they haven't been since, oh, probably The Blitz.

R.E.S.P.E.C.T

2009-05-30T12:50:00.004+10:00

The IPL is now over (with a mere 5 cheerleaders lost to lion attacks - kudos South Africa!). We now turn our focus to the 20/20 World Cup that starts next week.

Supercoach Tim Nielsen has fired off an early interview and declared that the 20/20 format deserves 'greater respect'. He goes on to explain that the Australian's way of showing the 20/20 format greater respect is to, uh, select Andrew 'Roid' Symonds in their team.

There is no word yet, however, on whether or not Symonds will be permitted to get respectfully wasted the night before the game against Bangladesh.

IPL Semi-Finals and Final

2009-05-25T09:10:00.004+10:00

Okay, this is the pointy end of the tournament (whatever the hell that means!)

Semi-Final One - Delhi Daredevils v Deccan Chargers

The Daredevils start about as well as can be expected (Gambhir and David 'Merry Melodies' Warner both dismissed for nothin' in the first over) to make 153. For some reason, Adam Gilchurch is of the opinion he has no more than four overs to run this total down. So he scores 85 off 35 deliveries before anybody has the chance to correct his crass error. From that point on, not even the Deccan Chargers can bollocks the chase up.

Semi-Final Two - Bangalore Royal Challengers v Chennai Super Kings

The Chennai Super Kings demonstrate beautifully the importance spreading the load. Their top five all muster 20 to 30-ish each giving them a total of 146. Awesome teamwork. Of course, they lose miserably from that point with the Royal Challengers' Kung Fu Pandey scoring a handsome 48 to anchor the chase.

Which brings us to the final...

Final - Bangalore Royal Challengers v Deccan Chargers

The Chargers bat first and somebody stupidly tells Gilchurch that he has twenty overs in which to bat. He responds by getting out 3rd ball. Luckily, The Man Who Dropped The World Cup steps up and, with some assistance from Andrew 'Roid' Symonds, the Chargers scramble to 143. Enough to stop the Challengers? Of course. The Challengers' chase sputters and spurts and never really gets going and they end up a six short, which means, in the space of a year, the Deccan Chargers have gone from bottom of the table to top! Good news for the Hoff's men next year and, really, there's only one response worthy of such a feat:

Indeed

IPL Matches Fifty-Five And Fifty-Six

2009-05-22T10:23:00.004+10:00

Match 55 - Delhi Daredevils v Mumbai Indians

A 'who cares' fixture, this one, as the table-topping Daredevils face the no-hope Mumbai Indians. The winner? Anybody who didn't watch the tedious excuse for a game. Also, the Daredevils.

Match 56 - Bangalore Royal Challengers v Deccan Chargers

Somebody named Manish 'Kung Fu' Pandey blasts 114 off 73 balls to give the Challengers a total of 170. Far too many for the Chargers, but they score more than 3 runs in their innings to keep their net run rate high enough to make the semi-finals.

Speaking of which:

Semi-Final 1: Delhi Daredevils v Deccan Chargers

Semi-Final 2: Chennai Super Kings v Bangalore Royal Challengers

I'll let you know how they go...

IPL Matches Forty-Seven Through Fifty-Two

2009-05-20T10:20:00.004+10:00

Only four matches before the semi-finals. But let's see what's been happening in the last half-dozen games or so.

Match 47 - Chennai Super Kings v Mumbai Indians

The Mumbai Indians tumble into Lake Defeat once again, with their target of 147 being easily run down by the Super Kings, with The Pillar sheet anchoring the chase. (Oooh, I love The Pillar playing the sheet anchor role).

Match 48 - Deccan Chargers v Kolkata Knight Riders

Last ball victory for the Deccan Chargers as they successfully chase down a target of 160. This time, Adam Gilchurch tries to be the sheet anchor, but has no idea how to do it, so smacks around 43 (31) before being dismissed. No matter, the rest of the team stumble on him, despite their sheet anchorlessness.

Match 49 - Deccan Chargers v Kings XI Punjab

A day later, and once again without a sheet anchor. But this time, the Deccan Chargers can't chase down the total, despite it only being 134. Hero for the Kings XI is Yuvraj Singh, who snaffles three wickets for only 13 runs (merciful Rao!) in addition to contributing 20 runs with the bat.

Match 50 - Delhi Daredevils v Rajasthan Royals

SMS Warne's lads can't chase the dashing Delhi Daredevil's total of 150. Which is odd.

Match 51 - Chennai Super Kings v Kolkata Knight Riders

What's odder, though, is that the Hoff's men have won another game! The Super Kings score 188, but the Hoff's men run it down from the last ball thanks to up-and-coming NSW opener Brendon McCullum and Brad 'The Stodge' Hodge. What a bizarre universe in which we reside. Can Match 52 be any odder?

Match 52 - Bangalore Royal Challengers v Delhi Daredevils

No. No it can't be. The Daredevils make 134. The Royal Challengers sneer at the total and cruise to victory despite the presence of Blistering Jacques Kallis. Normal service is resumed.

Points Table

Delhi Daredevils 18

Chennai Super Kings 15

Deccan Chargers 14

Bangalore Royal Challengers 14

Kings XI Punjab 14

Rajasthan Royals 13

Mumbai Indians 11

Duckworth Lewis 5

Kolkata Knight Riders 5

So, one team safe. Five other teams playing for three spots. Here's what they have to do to make it.

The Angriest Australian Cricketer

2009-05-18T10:48:00.003+10:00

Shaun 'Tit For' Tait is cross because he's no longer in Cricket Australia's Top 25 Players. Also, because he didn't get to play in the IPL and earn 'a shitload of money'. Kim 'Don't Call Me Phil' Hughes is cross with 'Tit For' because he's 'soft' and, uh, 'cosmetic' (whatever that means).

To which I say, steady on Kim! You're being way too harsh on 'Tit For' here. Because, by gum, that first over in his first spell is often very quick and, on many occasions, has up to two deliveries on target. And, given the standard of play of the modern Australian cricket team, you'd have to think such qualities would have him teetering right on the brink of the Top 25.

So settle down Kim Hughes.

Still, all this crossness raises the question as to who is the angriest Australian cricketer. Shaun 'Tit For' Tait may not be in Australia's most talented list any more, but surely he's a shoo-in for the angry list.

Here are the candidates. Vote for them in the poll at the right there:

Shaun 'Tit For' Tait - won't somebody pay me for that thing I do?

Simon 'Handbrake' Katich - where's f**king Pupshark gone?

Andrew 'Roid' Symonds - get me another beer!

Peter 'Siddle In The Middle' - I'll huff and I'll puff

Sir Donald Bradman - WTF? I'm still dead? But I'm f**king Bradman, for f**k's sake!

IPL Matches Forty-Four Through Forty-Six

2009-05-16T09:03:00.005+10:00

Into the home stretch now

Match 44 - Bangalore Royal Challengers v Chennai Super Kings

Good game, this one. The Pillar blasts off (60 off 39 balls) but none of the other Super Kings go with him and they muster a poorly 129. An opening two-wicket blast from Kryptonian hybrid Mork-El gets them back into it, but eventually the Challengers consolidate and scramble home with a couple of balls and/or wickets to spare.

Match 45 - Mumbai Indians v Rajasthan Royals

And another good'un. This time the Royals, batting first, tally a middling 145. The hapless Mumbai Indians head off in pursuit, led by The Little Master. But SMS Warne helps the Royals chip away and eventually, those darn fool Mumbai Indians are dismissed two runs short and with a ball up their sleeve (ICC officials are investigating the legality of this ball-sleeve trick).

Match 46 - Delhi Daredevils v Kings XI Punjab

Two out of three ain't bad (as a very fat man (ie, Arjuna Ranatunga) once said). This game's a bit of a dud. Brett 'Scarecrow' Lee remembers that he actually used to play a game very similar to this, how you say?, 'cree-ket'. He takes three wickets and helps restricts the Daredevils to 120. The Kings XI Punjab make harder work of it than they should have, but eventually Kumar Sangakarra sensibles things up and they cruise home with an over to spare.

Points Table

Delhi Daredevils 16

Chennai Super Kings 13

Rajasthan Royals 13

Deccan Chargers 12

Bangalore Royal Challengers 12

Kings XI Punjab 12

Mumbai Indians 11

Duckworth Lewis 5

Kolkata Knight Riders 3

Still all very open. Everybody except Duckworth Lewis and the Hoff's men can still make the finals. Mmmmm.... that's good competition.

IPL Matches Forty Through Forty-Three

2009-05-14T09:56:00.003+10:00

Match 40 - Deccan Chargers v Rajasthan Royals

Best friends Adam Gilchurch and SMS Warne face off once again. And this time around, Gilchurch's men made SMS Warne's lads look like idiots as the Royals did one of their crumble-a-thons to be all out for 113

Match 41 - Bangalore Royal Challengers v Kolkata Knight Riders

Despite up and coming New South Wales batsman Brendon McCullum returning to form, blasting 84 runs, the Hoff's lads go down once more, thanks to, uh, Ross Taylor. (Editor: check this!)

Match 42 - Kings XI Punjab v Mumbai Indians

Well, don't all those people who mocked the Mumbai Indians look stupid now? This time, Dwayne Bravo!! and The Little Master run down a pitiful Kings XI target of 119 with about 50 balls to spare.

Match 43 - Deccan Chargers v Delhi Daredevils

The Daredevils make their way to 173 off their 20 overs. Adam Gilchurch has one of his batshit attacks in the attempt to chase the target down, but he's the only one with any interest in the game and once he's dismissed, the Chargers splutter to 161.

IPL Matches Thirty-Six Through Thirty-Nine

2009-05-11T12:25:00.004+10:00

Match 36 - Deccan Chargers v Kings XI Punjab

Oooh. Good game this one. Andrew 'Roid' Symonds shows up and powers the Chargers to a total of 168. Despite Venugal 'Merciful' Rao's best efforts, the Kings XI sneak home, with Brett 'Scarecrow' Lee snaffling a single off the last ball.

Match 37 - Chennai Super Kings v Rajasthan Royals

Not quite as good a game. The Royals sputter their way to 140. Nowhere near enough to stop the Super Kings who super-chase the target down, led by The Pillar and Badrinath

Match 38 - Bangalore Royal Challengers v Mumbai Indians

All those naysayers talking trash about the Mumbai Indians were forced to eat their poorly chosen and poorly salted words. This time around it was Slappin' Harbhajan Singh who slapped the Challengers into place with a couple of wickets and some tight bowling, which kept the target of 157 safe.

Match 39 - Delhi Daredevils v Kolkata Knight Riders

The Hoff's men went down again. Is that a surprise to anybody? Because when you bat first and can only manage 123, this kind of thing is bound to happen. Especially when you have Brad 'The Stodge' Hodge taking up useful batting order positions.

Points Table

Delhi Daredevils 14

Chennai Super Kings 13

Rajasthan Royals 11

Deccan Chargers 10

Kings XI Punjab 10

Mumbai Indians 9

Bangalore Royal Challengers 8

Duckworth Lewis 5

Kolkata Knight Riders 3

IPL Matches Thirty-Three Through Thirty-Five

2009-05-09T09:11:00.004+10:00

Match 33 - Bangalore Royal Challengers v Rajasthan Royals

Singh and Jadeja combine to knock the Challengers over for a wretched 105. The Royals cruise past that in their sleep. (Literally in the case of Lee 'King of the' Carseldine)

Match 34 - Chennai Super Kings v Kings XI Punjab

The triumphant return of fan favourites Duckworth and Lewis!! This time, a thrilling 18/18 match. The Pillar does his thing (ie insults vast chunks of India) and the Super Kings win.

Match 35 - Delhi Daredevils v Mumbai Indians

Gosh, the Mumbai Indians just get worse and worse, don't they? Now they're losing to the Delhi Daredevils. What next? Losing to the Hoff's men? Nothing even worth discussing in this game.

In international 20/20 news, Australia's greatest ever captain is no more, as Brad 'Has-Been' Haddin's 100% record is halved with a thrashing by the Pakistanis. Still, his captaincy did preside over yet another Cryin' Shane Watson injury, so all was not lost.

IPL Matches Twenty-Nine Through Thirty-Two - Match Reports

2009-05-07T09:14:00.005+10:00

Match 29 - Chennai Super Kings v Deccan Chargers

The Chennai Super Kings motor to 178 with The Pillar and Dhoni leading the way. In response, the awesome openers of the Chargers depart for 0 off 1 ball (Gilchurch) and 2 balls (The Man Who Dropped The World Cup) respectively. Very Very Special Laxman lasts a thrilling seven balls for his duck, but it's not enough as the Chargers finish on an even hundred.

Match 30 - Kings XI Punjab v Rajasthan Royals

A 78-run winning margin, thinks SMS Warne, having watched the previous game. Yes. I like that. So he instructs Grumpy Graeme Smith and the rest of his batsman to amass a total of 211 and he and the rest of the bowlers will dismiss the Kings XI for 109. Then, Pathan lends him a calculator that works, and the bowlers instead bundle them out for 133.

Match 31 - Delhi Daredevils v Kolkata Knight Riders

The Hoff's men set a target of 154. The Daredevils, despite having the Merry Melodies of David Warner opening for them, run it down effortlessly

Match 32 - Deccan Chargers v Mumbai Indians

The Man Who Dropped The World Cup continues his duck-tastic efforts of the previous Deccan Chargers game. But the rest of the batsmen fail to get the memo and they amass 145. That's far too many for the increasingly sucky Mumbai Indians who crash to a mere 126

Points Table

Delhi Daredevils 10

Deccan Chargers 10

Chennai Super Kings 9

Rajasthan Royals 9

Bangalore Royal Challengers 8

Kings XI Punjab 8

Mumbai Indians 7

Duckworth Lewis 4

Kolkata Knight Riders 3

Analysis of Australia's T20 World Cup Side

2009-05-05T17:17:00.005+10:00

Here's the squad for Australia's almost-certainly shambolic tilt at the T20 World Cup, along with my odds that they'll actually do something useful during the tournament:

Little Captain Punter (20-1) - Might make some runs, but idiotic captaincy is sure to more than counterbalance

Michael 'Pupshark' Clarke (3-1) - Probably won't make many runs, take many wickets or effect many run outs (exercise for readers: when was the last time Pupshark actually hit the stumps while trying to effect a run out?). Still, maybe Lara will sit in the stands and give the commentators something to talke about

Nathan 'Gabba' Bracken (2-1) - Will continue to bowl his spinners off the long run, baffling everybody

Australia's Greatest Captain, Brad 'Has-Been' Haddin (5-1) - Will no doubt have a ruddy good tonk at some point, but will also concede far more byes than any other wicketkeeper in the game. Will probably throw in a few missed stumpings too

Nathan 'Ho' Hauritz (99-1) - No chance. Well, technically, about a 1% chance, that's what 99-1 means.

Ben 'The Hilf' Hilfenhaus (10-1) - Might get to bat at some point and will probably get himself out in less than three deliveries

James 'Dashed' Hopes (8-1) - Will teeter on the brink of doing something, but will never actually get there

Mr Cricket (15-1) - Didn't he retire?

Young Master Cricket (20-1) - Wasn't he dropped?

Mitchell 'Johnson &' Johnson (evens) - Will bowl some batshit spells, will do some late order batshit tonking, will hurl the ball in from the outfield with batshit velocity. May well cause Mark Nicholas to wet his pants at some point.

Brett 'Scarecrow' Lee (80-1) - will be ruled out of every game

Peter Siddle In The Middle (8-1) - will do that working class 'I don't have much talent, but boy am I stout of heart' neo-Merv Hughes thing he's got going

Andrew 'Roid' Symonds (5-1) - will show up drunk to at least one game

David 'Merry Melodies' Warner (40-1) - when is this clown going to call it quits and give younger players an opportunity?

Cryin' Shane Watson (600-1) - see this article

IPL Matches Twenty-Five Through Twenty-Eight - Match Reports

2009-05-04T08:51:00.006+10:00

Match 25 - Deccan Chargers v Rajasthan Royals

Old friends Adam Gilchurch and SMS Warne face off against one another. And, despite a collapse-a-thon from Warnie's lads and a thrilling 0 not out (off 0 balls) from blog favourite Venugopal 'Merciful' Rao, the Royals sneak home with a couple of balls to spare

Match 26 - Chennai Super Kings v Delhi Daredevils

The Super Kings tot up 163-odd in their twenty overs. With Jakati snaffling four wickets, that's about 18 runs too many for the Daredevils.

Match 27 - Kings XI Punjab v Kolkata Knight Riders

A thriller with Jayawardene leading the Kings XI to victory off the very last ball, despite Brad 'The Stodge' Hodge smacking 70 (43) for The Hoff's lads in a very un-Stodge-like performance.

Match 28 - Bangalore Royal Challengers v Mumbai Indians

Those Mumbai Indians set the Bangalore Royal Challengers 150 to win. The Challengers yawn and saunter to victory despite Jacques Kallis opening the batting. So how well are The Challengers going?

In international news, Australia lost their ODI against Pakistan. As a result, Pupshark has been dropped as captain, opening the door again for Australia's greatest ever captain (100% success rate) to take the reins once more:

IPL Matches Eighteen Through Twenty-Four - Match Reports

2009-05-02T09:57:00.005+10:00

Match 18 - Delhi Daredevils v Rajasthan Royals

Yousuf Pathan teams up with Grumpy Graeme Smith to help the Royals cruise past the Daredevils total of 147

Match 19 - Bangalore Royal Challengers v Kolkata Knight Riders

Despite another spellbinding contribution by KP (dismissed by the bowling of, uh, Brad 'The Stodge' Hodge for 13), the Royal Challengers scrape home against the Knight Riders, passing the target of 139 with a ball up their sleeve (a squash ball, I believe, a trick they stole from Adam Gilchurch)

Match 20 - Kings XI Punjab v Mumbai Indians

Wow, the Mumbai Indians sure do suck, don't they? Set a target of 120, they crash to 116, with only Duminy Cricket taking the run chase seriously

Match 21 - Deccan Chargers v Delhi Daredevils

Adam Gilchurch fails (possibly because the Royal Challengers stole his squash ball) and The Man Who Dropped The World Cup fails also. As a result, the Chargers' total of 148 is way too small and the Daredevils waltz blindly past it. Seriously, they waltzed! It was an exquisite display of dance technique from Sehwag and Karthik, who will now go on to next week's episode of So You Think You Can Run Chase.

Match 22 - Chennai Super Kings v Rajasthan Royals

Another lacklustre run chase from SMS Warne's Royals, with nobody able to match Suresh Raina's batshit 98 off 55 balls.

Match 23 - Kolkata Knight Riders v Mumbai Indians

Y'know what's a worry? When your run chase centres around Brad 'The Stodge' Hodge. And so it proves, with the Hoff's men unable to run down the Mumbai Indians total of 148, despite The Stodge taking exactly half the balls in the innings to score, uh, slightly less than half the target. Stodge? Think it over, son.

Match 24 - Bangalore Royal Challengers v Kings XI Punjab

Yuvraj Singh takes 3 for 22 off his 4 overs. He also scores 50 off 34 balls at the top of the innings. Oh, and he also captained the Kings XI Punjab. So, naturally, they were just smashed by the Royal Challengers. So, what's up with that?

Points Table

Deccan Chargers 8

Delhi Daredevils 8

Mumbai Indians 7

Kings XI Punjab 6

Bangalore Royal Challengers 6

Chennai Super Kings 5

Rajasthan Royals 5

Duckworth Lewis 4

Kolkata Knight Riders 3

Meanwhile, over in Abu Dhabbi, and despite Crying Shane Watson's overwhelming hatred of Nathan Bracken (in the space of about 9 balls, the sobbing one misfielded, overthrew and dropped a catch off Bracken's bowling), the Australians sealed the series against the Pakistanis. Um, Little Captain Punter? You should rest more often.

Younus Khan - Why Is There Always Controversy Between Australia and Asia?

2009-04-30T09:38:00.004+10:00

Pakistan captain Younus Khan has come out and asked why controversies rear their head whenever Australia plays any of the Asian cricket teams.

Frankly, I don't like what he's implying here - I wholeheartedly reject the idea that there's some underlying racist agenda that inspires the Australian cricketers to engage in tawdry disputes with the Asian teams. I'm pretty sure the Aussies piss everybody off.

IPL Matches Sixteen And Seventeen - Match Reports

2009-04-28T09:52:00.003+10:00

Chennai Super Kings v Deccan Chargers

More ballistic insanity from Adam Gilchurch and The Man Who Dropped The World Cup means that the Chargers effortlessly chase down their target of 165

Kolkata Knight Riders v Mumbai Indians

The Hoff's men blow a fan belt in their attempt to chase down the Indians' total of 187, although by making 95 they did get marginally past the half way mark. Kudos, Knight Riders.

Meanwhile, in cricket mad Abu Dhabi, the Australians have somehow managed to take the lead in an ODI series. Huh! Crazy times.

IPL Matches Nine Through Fifteen - Match Reports

2009-04-27T09:06:00.005+10:00

Match 9 - Chennai Super Kings v Delhi Daredevils

AB De Villiers brings up the first ton of this year's competition. That's too much for the Super Kings, despite The Pillar's bold attempt to chase down 190 in 5 overs.

Match 10 - Kolkata Knight Riders v Rajasthan Royals

A tie? A freaking tie? Whatever will Supercoach SMS Warne think of next? And, of course, a tie brings in the much vaunted Super Over. Ahhhhh 1/1 cricket, is there anything better?

Match 11 - Bangalore Royal Challengers v Kings XI Punjab

That man, KP, steps up again. This time it takes him only 2 balls to register his duck and with those kinds of heroics, it's a doddle for the Kings XI to saunter past the 169 needed for victory.

Match 12 - Deccan Chargers v Mumbai Indians

Adam Gilchurch and The Man Who Dropped The World Cup do their stupid tonk-a-lot thing. Despite a late-innings collapse, the total of 168 is too much for the Mumbai Indians.

Match 13 - Chennai Super Kings v Kolkata Knight Riders

Match abandoned due to lions

Match 14 - Bangalore Royal Challengers v Delhi Daredevils

KP makes 37 runs... but at a sub-100 strike rate, so the Daredevils sneer at him as they cruise to victory

Match 15 - Kings XI Punjab v Rajasthan Royals

The might of SMS Warne's Royals find a target of 139 too challenging. Ah. if only they'd restricted them to 111.

Points Table

Deccan Chargers 6

Delhi Daredevils 6

Kings XI Punjab 4

Duckworth Lewis 4

Chennai Super Kings 3

Mumbai Indians 3

Kolkata Knight Riders 3

Rajasthan Royals 3

Bangalore Royal Challengers 2

IPL Matches Five Through Eight - Match Reports

2009-04-23T10:57:00.003+10:00

Match 5 - Bangalore Royal Challengers v Chennai Super Kings - The Pillar anchors a very good total of 179 for the Super Kings, before Muralitharan finishes off the Challengers, with KP immediately justifying his price tag with a scintillating 0 (3).

Match 6 - Kings XI Punjab v Kolkata Knight Riders - Another thrilling variant (this time 20/9.2) as the Hoff's men unite with early front runners for player(s) of the series Duckworth and Lewis to see off the Kings XI Punjab.

Match 7 - Mumbai Indians v Rajasthan Royals - not even Duckworth and Lewis can save this one, with the match abandoned without a ball being bowled. Boo, Duckworth. Shame on you, Lewis. Surely coming up with a result for this game is not beyond your mathematical nous. Lift your algorithmic games!

Match 8 - Bangalore Royal Challengers v Deccan Chargers - Adam Gilchurch is here! Ol' Big Ears clubbed 71 off 45 to set up a total of 184 for the Chargers. Once again, KP led the way with 11 (15) as the Royal Challengers stuttered to a total 20-odd runs short.

Points Table

Deccan Chargers 4

Duckworth Lewis Calculators 3

Mumbai Indians 3

Delhi Daredevils 2

Chennai Super Kings 2

Bangalore Royal Challengers 2

Kolkata Knight Riders 2

Rajasthan Royals 1

Kings XI Punjab 0

Oh... and over in the cricketing nursery of Dubai, the Pakistanis smashed Australia in their first ODI. No surprises there, surely.

IPL Matches Three And Four - Match Reports

2009-04-20T09:01:00.003+10:00

Match 3: Delhi Daredevils v Kings XI Punjab

Awesome. A 12/6 fixture. That's what cricket-lovers around the world are looking for from the IPL. Unpredictability! Variation! Fewer than 18 overs of play. Harry Pettori kepts the Kings XI down to 104 off their 12 overs and when Sehwag unleashed his raw Sehwag-edness, the Daredevils cruised home to their Duckworth-Lewisified target.

Match 4: Deccan Chargers v Kolkata Knight Riders

Yawn. The Hoff's men crumble for 101, batting first and the Chargers cruise to victory. The kind of game that makes you start a slow hand clap for the lions to be released on the cheerleaders.

IPL Matches One and Two - Match Reports

2009-04-19T13:31:00.005+10:00

Match 1: Chennai Super Kings v Mumbai Indians

The Little Master keeps his head, Rudyard Kipling-syle, to ensure the Mumbai lads reached a very defensible 165/7 off their 20 overs. Far too many for the Super Kings to chase down despite Big Matt 'The Pillar' Haydos's best efforts.

Match 2: Bangalore Royal Challengers v Rajasthan Royals

The Royal Challengers lived up to their name, reducing the Royals to rubble. The Challengers made a tame 133/8, and the Royals responded with a very un-regal c0llapse for 58 all out, our man Anil 'Violent' Kumble snaring 5/5.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, 20/20 is an old man's game.

Next up: The other four teams.

India Plummet In ICC ODI Rankings

2009-04-18T08:21:00.003+10:00

Uh-oh, India have dropped to Number Three on the ICC ODI Rankings (for fifteen months ago). Disappointing enough for the fans of Indian cricket (now numbering more than 1000 strong!). But such was the ineptitude of their performance that they didn't even play in the game that cost them their position. Shame, Team India, shame! I dread to think how the incredibly measured Indian press will react to this shambolic display. Presumably, the head of Steve Bucknor will be called for.

Who Will Win The 2009 SAPL (nee IPL)?

2009-04-17T10:17:00.003+10:00

Simple question: With the IPL kicking off tomorrow, who's going to win it this year?

Can SMS Warne's laidback text message-heavy captaincy style triumph again? Will the Hasselhoffian genius of the Kolkata Knight Riders shine forth? What about the Daredevils - can they overcome their blindness, startling red costume and poor box office return? Will the Kings prove to be kryptonite for the Super Kings? And so forth.

Put your tip in the poll to the right there. We (eventually) predicted the result correctly last time around. Let's get our prognosticatin' hats on again and show the rest how it's done.

Australians Drop To Third In ICC ODI Rankings

2009-04-16T12:04:00.002+10:00

The Australian ODI team of approximately fifteen months ago has now dropped to third in the official ICC cricket rankings! To which those of us who've seen them, ahem, compete in South Africa, say 'Really? That high?'

Definitely Slightly Different

2009-03-26T09:40:00.002+11:00

Guess who is sad about the IPL moving to South Africa?

Cryin' Shane Watson, that's who. He is quoted, between sobs, as saying:

"I think it will definitely be slightly different."

Really, Shane? You think? While he offers no solution to cheerleaders being attacked by lions, he does plan to use the IPL to catapult himself back into 'Ashes calculations'. I thought the whole point of SuperMitch learning how to bat was that we didn't have to listen to all the freakin' Cryin' Shane Watson comeback stories any more.

Come on print media, get with the program!

IPL To Be Played In South Africa

2009-03-25T10:04:00.005+11:00

The IPL has chosen South Africa as its new host after India was declared 'too risky that an election will be held' and England 'too risky that KP's ego might crush the Queen'.

All well and good, but has anybody considered the obvious risk inherent in playing in South Africa?

Can the South Africans guarantee that IPL cheerleaders won't be dismembered by lions? Until they can, I urge Lalit Modi to reconsider this hasty and poorly thought out decision.

Australia Test Player Awards - South African Tour

2009-03-24T09:30:00.003+11:00

Okay, the Test portion of this tour to South Africa is now over and, startlingly, the Australians have won. Who contributed? Who did not?

Most Startling Debut - Big, Bad Bryce McGain

Australia were looking for somebody who could combine the wicket-taking prowess of Scrabbleworthy Jason Krejza and the economy of Nathan 'Ho' Hauritz. Instead, they found somebody with the expensiveness of The Scrabbleworthy One and the wicketlessness of Ho. So close!

Biggest Showoff - Flashy Phil Hughes

Look at me! Look at me! I'm the new Don!! Grow up, Phil.

Timeliest Illness - Magnetic Marcus North

A century on debut is one thing. Having the foresight to miss Australia's first innings defeat in over a decade due to some mystery illness? That takes true talent.

Most Highly Tuned Nickname - Mr Cricket

As cricket itself continues to struggle with terrorism, tedious Test Match draws, an IPL on the move and so forth, so too, does Mr Cricket also struggle. Come on, ICC, get cricket healthy again and watch Mr Cricket inexorably rise also.

Rocketed To Earth From An Exploding Planet - Mitchell 'Johnson &' Johnson

Averaged 80-odd with the bat, mid-20s with the ball. Broke Grumpy Graeme Smith's hand (again). A debut century. A 90-odd not out. Time to start wearing a cape, Mitch.

South Africa v Australia, 2nd Test, Day Three

2009-03-09T09:10:00.003+11:00

South Africa v Australia, 3rd Innings, Durban, Day Three, Stumps

Australia 352 & 292/3

South Africa 138

Australia 2nd Innings

Flashy Phil Hughes not out 136

Simon 'Handbrake' Katich c Neil Patrick Harris b Blistering Jacques Kallis 30

Little Captain Punter c Macca b Mork-El 81

Mr Cricket c Blistering Jacques Kallis b Duminy Cricket 19

Pupshark not out 14

Extras (b 6, lb 2, nb 4) 12

Total (3 wickets, 87 overs) 292

Well, the hype factory is already in overdrive about Flashy Phil Hughes, following his 2nd century in the match. I say, lay off the kid. He's probably going to be the 21st Century answer to Bradman, only better, and he doesn't need the pressure of everybody talking him up in a ridiculous fashion.

What do The Eyes of Katich have to say about excessive hype being heaped upon the greatest young player to ever play this or any other sport?

Hype Mongers, the Eyes of Katich have spoken and they deem thee Overly Excited.

South Africa v Australia, Second Test, Day Two

2009-03-08T10:02:00.003+11:00

South Africa v Australia, 2nd Innings, Durban, Day Two, Stumps

Australia 352

South Africa 138/7

South Africa 1st Innings

Macca c Ex-Captain Haddin b Mitchell 'Johnson &' Johnson 0

Ouchy Graeme Smith retired hurt 2

A.M.L.A. lbw b Mitchell 'Johnson &' Johnson 0

Blistering Jacques Kallis c Little Captain Punter b EIEIO 22

AB De Villiers lbw The House Of Hilf 3

Duminy Cricket not out 73

Half-Price Boucher b Mitchell 'Johnson &' Johnson 1

Neil Patrick Harris b EIEIO 4

Mork-El b EIEIO 2

Dale 'Underpants' Steyn not out 8

Extras (b 10, lb 12, nb 1) 23

Total (7 wickets, 57 overs) 138

Well, only Underpants and Duminy Cricket stand between Australia and a massive first innings lead. So, surely nothing can go wrong for the Aussies now, can it?

And what's up with Smith? Is he looking to become the all-new Poppadom Fingers, Nasser Hussain-style? And, if so, for freak's sake, why??

South Africa v Australia, Second Test, Day One

2009-03-07T09:03:00.003+11:00

South Africa v Australia, 1st Innings, Durban, Day One, Stumps

Australia 303/4

Australia 1st Innings

Flashy Phil Hughes c Macca b Blistering Jacques Kallis 115

Simon 'Handbrake' Katich c Angry Graeme Smith b Dale 'Underpants' Steyn 108

Little Captain Punter c Macca b Neil Patrick Harris 9

Mr Cricket not out 37

Pupshark b Neil Patrick Harris 3

Magnetic Marcus North not out 17

Extras (b 4, lb 1, w 1, nb 8) 14

Total (4 wickets, 89 overs) 303

Beautiful captain's knock from Little Captain Punter. As he gave Neil 'Macca' McKenzie a couple of goes to get the catch right. He's a fair man, that Little Captain Punter. And, of course, Michael 'Pupshark' Clarke also contributed his bit as part of the captaincy unit. Sure hope The Handbrake gave him a good strangling when he returned to the dressing room.

Still, despite the captaincy unit, the Aussies are on top at this stage. Still plenty of time to bollocks it up however. Mr Cricket's already made about forty runs more than I expected based on current form and Magnetic Marcus North can't be expected to do much in just his second Test. And former captain Haddin may just follow the current captain's lead. So, ain't over yet for the Saffers...

David Warner Makes NSW Sheffield Shield Team

2009-03-06T11:08:00.002+11:00

Well, Dave 'Merry Melodies' Warner's going to play for NSW in the next Sheffield Shield game... Sigh... How many more chances is this clown going to get?

Priorities

2009-03-04T08:30:00.003+11:00

Sure, one could discuss the tragic terrorist attack on the Sri Lankan cricket team and offer sympathies to the families of people killed and grave thoughts about the future of Pakistani cricket.

Or one could fret about whether Mitchell 'Johnson &' Johnson's improved batting might make it harder for Cryin' Shane Watson to return to the Australian cricket team.

Priorities, people.

The Bright Side

2009-03-03T12:30:00.001+11:00

Newspaper Article: A nation unites in hating Peter Siddle.

Hey, Pete. At least it's not your own nation. Right, Little Captain Punter?

South Africa v Australia, First Test, Day Four

2009-03-02T08:25:00.004+11:00

South Africa v Australia, 4th Innings, Johannesburg, Day Four, Stumps

Australia 466 & 207

South Africa 220 & 178/2

South Africa 2nd Innings

Neil 'Macca' McKenzie c Former Captain Haddin b Mitchell 'Johnson &' Johnson 35
Angry Graeme Smith c Mitchell 'Johnson &' Johnson b Hilfenhaus 69
A.M.L.A not out 43
Blistering Jacques Kallis not out 26

Extras (lb 1, w 1, nb 3) 5

Total (3 wickets, 55 overs) 178

Now, this I like. Realising that Little Captain Punter would inevitably stuff around and bollocks up any declaration, the middle order took it upon themselves to all get out for, say, a dozen runs between them in a handful of overs, thereby taking the decision out of Little Captain Punter's hands. It's called Shared Decision-Making, people. Kudos, Australian middle order.

Now, if only your idiot bowlers would take some responsibility, we might have something.

South Africa v Australia, First Test, Day Three

2009-03-01T13:01:00.002+11:00

South Africa v Australia, 3rd Innings, Johannesburg, Day Three, Stumps

Australia 466 & 51/1

South Africa 220

Flashy Phil Hughes not out 36

Simon 'Handbrake' Katich c Boucher b Mork-El 10

Little Captain Punter not out 1

Extras (lb 2, w 1, nb 1) 4

Total (1 wicket, 16.3 overs) 51

Oh, Little Captain Punter, when are you going to wake up to yourself and start enforcing follow-ons? This is not 2003 any more. You don't have McGrath and SMS Warne to run through teams on the last day and/or curtail run chases. You have no idea how to set a target. You don't have the attack to stop teams chasing down even enormous targets. The weather is suspect. The light is dim. Enforce the freaking follow on, man!

South Africa v Australia, First Test, Day Two

2009-02-28T09:52:00.003+11:00

South Africa v Australia, 2nd Innings, Johannesburg, Day Two, Stumps

Australia 466

South Africa 85/3

Neil 'Macca' McKenzie not out 35

Angry Graeme Smith c ex-Captain Haddin b Mitchell 'Johnson &' Johnson 0

A.M.L.A c Little Captain Punter b Hilfenhaus 1

Blistering Jacques Kallis c Mr Cricket b Siddle In The Middle 13

AB De Villiers not out 27

Extras (b 4, lb 4, nb 1) 9

Total (3 wickets, 37 overs) 85

Highlight of the Day: Tonk-tastic over as Mitchell 'Johnson &' Johnson went 4 4 6 0 6 6 on spin bowler Neil Patrick Harris. Oh sure, Magnetic Marcus North, century on debut and all that. But, hey, 26 off an over is only 2 fewer than Brian Lara's record Test over! In your face, Magnetic Marcus!

South Africa v Australia, First Test, Day One

2009-02-27T10:30:00.003+11:00

South Africa v Australia, 1st Innings, Johannesburg, Day One, Stumps

Australia 254/5

Flashy Phil Hughes c Boucher b Dale 'Underpants' Steyn 0

Simon 'Handbrake' Katich c McKenzie b Dale 'Underpants' Steyn 3

Little Captain Punter b Ntini 83

Mr Cricket c Blistering Jacques Kallis b Mork-El 4

Pupshark c Boucher b Dale 'Underpants' Steyn 68

Magnetic Marcus North not out 47

Ex-Captain Brad Haddin not out 37

Extras (lb 7, w 1, nb 4) 12

Total (5 wickets, 68 overs) 254

Good day of cricket. Flashy Phil Hughes - the youngest person ever to play Test Cricket - compiled a flashy zero off his four balls. The Handbrake and Mr Cricket bolted down, playing for the draw, before being undone by the wiles of Underpants Steyn and Kryptonian-Orkan hybrid Mork-El. Then Joint Allan Border Medallists, Captaincy Units and Most Hated Men In Australian Cricket Little Captain Punter and Pupshark came to the rescue, before getting out in numpty fashion. Finally, Magnetic Marcus North and Former Captain Brad Haddin had a minor tonk to round out the day until the rain came in.

Can't ask for much more from a first day of a Test match. Roll on, Day Two.

Advantage: Australia, although they're sure to hand it back to the Saffers at some point.

Everybody Hates Michael Clarke

2009-02-26T10:06:00.004+11:00

Michael 'Pupshark' Clarke is hated by everybody, according to this news article.

Why do we hate Pupshark? Answers in the poll to the right.

No More Chuckers!

2009-02-25T13:30:00.002+11:00

Awesome news! Hard-working boffins at the ICC Institute of Technology have developed a device that can measure just how much Murali cheats in actual match conditions! According to the article, the measuring device is 'no bigger than an iPod shuffle' and will be introduced into cricketing circles just as soon as somebody can get together a 'kickass playlist'.

What do you think of this development, Team Protractor Carrier Bingle?

Exactly. Well said.

Australian Team Slack Off!

2009-02-24T09:49:00.003+11:00

Rather than do anything as old-fashioned as, y'know, prepare for the First Test in South Africa this Thursday, it has been reported that the Australian team have instead gone galavanting around the tourism capital of Soweto.

There, Michael 'Pupshark' Clarke announced that he had found 'the new Harbhajan'. He went on to explain that he'd spoken by telephone to recently retired Big Matt 'Pillar of Strength' Haydos who had, indeed, declared the kid to be totally obnoxious and little and weedlike. Clinching it, the kid then slapped Pupshark.

In the same story, current Australian Captain Brad 'Has-Been' Haddin was revealed to have spent the entire time doing handstands. Presumably this is on the off-chance that the First Test is declared to be one of those infamous 'upside-down Test Matches'.

I say, serious up, team! In the good old days, Steve Waugh would have declared the entire country to be a nation of choking cockheads and Hansie and the boys would be cowering in the corner, waiting to be smashed. At the very least, this modern team could have Katich out strangling random Saffer citizens, trying to invoke a similar fear.

Richie Benaud Retires

2009-02-19T09:29:00.002+11:00

The papers are abuzz with news that Richie Benaud has retired. Dudes, his last game was in 1964. Of course he's retired. Next thing you'll be telling me that WG Grace has made himself unavailable for the upcoming Ashes tour.

Oh, wait. What?

From television.

I see.

Never mind.

Voges' Catch - Credit Where It's Due

2009-02-17T11:07:00.003+11:00

While everybody is going a little bit mental over Adam 'Strike A Pose' Voges' catch the other night, the man himself has come out and said 'dudes, no big deal'. He also goes on to point out that he totally got the idea from the YouTube video I posted the other day of Andy 'Bitchin' Bichel performingthe exact same Globetrotteresque antics.

At least, I assume he goes on to say that. I couldn't be arsed reading to the end of the interview.

What do you think, Team Gymnastics Trainer Bingle, of Voges using this very blog to broaden his fielding skill repertoire?

Of course it is. Well said.

Best Ever Captain

2009-02-16T09:22:00.003+11:00

Ladies and gentlemen, with a 100% success record, I present Australia's finest ever cricket captain:

Scary, isn't it?

The Other Ponting Interview

2009-02-15T13:19:00.005+11:00

The Murdoch press has an interview with Little Captain Punter in the papers today. In-depth. Exclusive. Murdoch-a-licious. All the usual stuff. What it doesn't have is the answers we'd like to see. So, as a public service, I've updated the interview with more appropriate responses.

You're all welcome.

You keep the Chappell-Hadlee Trophy, but do you feel you won the series after a wash-out?

No. Stupid question. It was 2-2 and the Kiwis were cruising to victory and the bowlers were sending down rubbish. Thank Richie the rain arrived when it did.

Did you imagine the summer was going to be this tough?

Nope. But then, I'm not renowned for my imagination.

What is the future for one-day cricket and Twenty20? Is there room for both?

Nope. ODI's are as dead as Dave Warner's career. So I guess we'll get to keep the World Cup forever! Suck on that, Saffers.

What about the schedule. Is there too much cricket?

There's not enough cricket where we get paid $80,000 a game, that's for sure.

Was it the right decision to rest you for two one-day games?

No. Five would have been more appropriate.

What about the dust up with Michael Clarke and Simon Katich - what exactly went on?

Simon tried to strangle the shit out of him.

Not by you.

No. By Simon.

But as a captain, how do you handle the situation? You don't hear of these things in the Australia team. Does it happen often?

Not since Bevo retired.

Can you say who was at fault?

Lara.

Do you think it affected Michael Clarke's hopes of becoming the next Australia captain? Do you think he should be the next Australia captain?

No, Steve Waugh should be the next captain. Even if he doesn't play, he'd probably be able to scare the Saffers into choking again, which would give us a great boost going into the Ashes.

If Steve's not available, then Brad Haddin.

Have you had an update on Andrew Symonds?

Yeah, he's drunk.

Will he be ready for the Ashes - do you want him there?

Hell, yeah! He gets us into all the best nightclubs.

Your job is the greatest honour in Australian sport, but sometimes it can also be a thankless task. Do you ever feel you've had enough?

No, but I hear everybody else has.

You are 34. How much longer will Ricky Ponting continue?

Until my Swisse Vitamins run out! Mmm, Swisse Vitamins. They keep me going.

Abandoned!

2009-02-14T14:22:00.002+11:00

What a day! Australia, on the brink of losing the Chadlee Trophy, summoned forth a last minute shower storm to wash out the Kiwis' run chase. And people mocked Supercoach Nielsen* for introducing rain dances to the Cricket Academy.

Then, seeing this brilliant tactical manouevre, the Poms, terrified of being bowled out for 51 again, convinced the umpires to call off the Second Test against the Windies. On account of sand! Awesome.

So much match-abandoning goodness. I wonder how tomorrow's 20/20 game against the Kiwis will be abandoned? 'On account of Australia selecting Brad Haddin as captain' would be my guess.

* at least, that's why I assume they mocked him. The 'helping Little Captain Punter usher in a Dark Age of Australian Cricket' might also be a part of it, too, now that I think about it.

The Subtleties Of Michael Clarke

2009-02-12T09:49:00.003+11:00

Uh-oh. Pupshark has Shagger's Back again, which might keep him out of Sunday's 20/20 game against the Kiwis, thereby forcing Little Captain Punter to abandon yet another naptime and return to 'lead' his team.

This follows his efforts last time Little Captain Punter was due for a nap. On that occasion, Pupshark batted like molasses to ensure the Aussies lost the game and Little Captain Punter was again woken from his slumber and reinstated.

Clearly, Pupshark is determined to deny Little Captain Punter any rest whatsoever, presumably as part of a cunning bid to tucker the little fella out and give him (Pupshark) the best possible chance to steal the captaincy on a full-time basis.

Either that, or he'd rather have Bingle Sex™ than play the Kiwis in a stupid 20/20 game.

Either way, it's probably time Little Captain Punter gave Stranglin' Simon Katich another call.

Andy Bichel Youtube Footage

2009-02-11T09:07:00.003+11:00

Tributes for Andy 'Bitchin!' Bichel continue to flood in. Here's a couple of YouTube highlights from the career of surely Australia's greatest ever 12th man (alas, no footage of him on actual 12th man duty... we take what we can get):

First, 7/20 against the silly old Poms in the 2003 World Cup:

Then, the closest thing I could find to off-field action from the great man:

Note: the second video is entitled 'Andy Bichel greatest catch than Jonty Rhodes,, must watch'

English, people! It's a language for everybody.

Andy Bichel Retires

2009-02-10T10:44:00.003+11:00

Must have been the disappointment of missing out on being selected for the upcoming South African tour.

Farewell, Andy 'Bitchin!' Bichel... like Adam Gilchurch with wicketkeeper-batsman-ing or SMS Warne with legspin bowling and text messaging, you truly did transform the art of twelfth man-ing forever! You will be missed.

McCullum's Dodgy Shoulder

2009-02-09T10:13:00.003+11:00

Tragedy for up-and-coming NSW star Brendon McCullum who is suffering from a shoulder injury. He's off to get scans today, so let's hope everything's okay and this young hotshot can get fit and back on the field for the Blues and - who knows - maybe even force his way into that coveted Baggy Green.

I mean, sure, Has-Been Haddin got a century last night which got Little Reinstated Captain Punter all giddy with excitement, but we all know that kind of nonsense isn't going to last. And when Has-Been inevitably falls over, let's hope McCullum's ready to step up.

Fingers crossed for you, Brendon.

Those Polite Poms

2009-02-08T09:57:00.005+11:00

You have to hand it to the Poms. They're nothing if not dreadfully polite. One might have thought that, with Little Reinstated Captain Punter leading the Aussies into freefall, the Ashes might, once again, have been England's for the taking.

And yet, the Poms are doing their best to freefall even faster than the Aussies - Newton's gravitational constant G be damned! - hilariously being dismissed for 51 by the West Indies in their second innings today.

Can Little Reinstated Captain Punter get his team falling fast enough to match them? You'd be an idiot to bet against him.

What do you think about the Pom's penchant for politely staying just below the Aussies' level of ineptitude, Team Celebration Timekeeper Bingle?

Politely awesome, yes.

Clarke Takes The Blame

2009-02-07T10:38:00.004+11:00

Pupshark has come out and taken the blame for last night's defeat by the Kiwis which has dropped the ODI team of 15 months ago to third place on the ICC rankings.

"I batted like an absolute little weiner, taking the better part of 48 overs to not even get a century," he said. "I was an idiot. Please form an orderly queue to strangle me. But make it quick - I've got dinner with Lara in an hour."

Clarke and Katich - the details

2009-02-06T08:40:00.004+11:00

Despite the rarity of victories these days, the Australian dressing room still knows how to celebrate a win, with latest reports suggesting Pupshark and Simon 'Handbrake' Katich came to blows over the timing of Mr Cricket's victory song after the Sydney Test last month.

Pupshark apparently wanted the song sung as early as possible, because:

"Michael has a beautiful singing voice and I just wanted to bask in his mellifluous vocals and lose myself in a melodic soundtrack of memories of the past five days of Test Cricket here at the SCG, with us winning with only a handful of balls to spare and despite Graeme Smith's idiotic heroics."

Handbrake Katich, in foul-mouthed contrast, wanted to wait as long as possible for Mr Cricket's rendition:

"You don't start the evening with the highlight! Do KISS open their own shows? Does Missy Higgins go on without a supporting act? Of course not. This is freakin' amateur hour from our alleged vice-captain! We're trying to instil a sense of professionalism and pride in some of the younger team members who are too retarded to pick these kind of things up for themselves and Pupshark comes up with this freakin' shit? Go fuck yourself, Pupshark. I'm the Sexiest Freakin' Man In Cricket. Bite me."

He then pulled out a switchblade and threatened to 'cut Pupshark up good' if he didn't pull out of the IPL for the second year running, stop 'rubbing the rest of the team's noses in Lara' and let Mr Cricket sing 'as late as he freakin' well wanted'.

Mr Cricket went on stage well after midnight.

Ms Bingle has not been rubbed by any Cricket Australia-contracted player's nose since that Test.

Dropping Ricky Ponting

2009-02-05T12:04:00.004+11:00

Wow... you go away for a few days and you miss all kinds of cool stuff:

Pupshark and Little Captain Punter ridiculing the AB Medal with their joint victory (almost as funny as the time Ian Healy was inducted into the Hall of Fame)
Brad 'Has-Been' Haddin riling up the Kiwis with an unrepetentant illegal stumping
The Aussies failing to defeat the Kiwis despite Haddin's blatant cheatery
Andrew 'Roid' Symonds being ruled out of touring South Africa
Little Captain Punter apologising on behalf of Harry Pettori for hurting Cheatin' Brad Haddin's feeling

But, of course, the best news of the last few days was that Little Captain Punter has been dropped from the Australian ODI Team!! Awesome. The turnaround begins now!! (Or a few days ago or tomorrow, depending on how one is measuring these things.)

Australia Lose Top ODI Spot... Fifteen Months Ago

2009-01-31T08:07:00.003+11:00

In addition to almost losing the top Test spot fifteen months ago, the Australian ODI team, using the same reasoning, last night lost the Top ODI spot fifteen months ago.

Here's the team to blame, folks:

Michael 'Pupshark' Clarke - opening, ergo out first ball

Adam Gilchurch - waning rapidly

Little Captain Punter - 'nuff said

Brad 'The Stodge' Hodge - for how long are we going to keep this guy in the team?

Andrew 'Roid' Symonds - can he get along with new boy McCullum, about to make the leap from state team to full Australian honours?

Brad 'Has-Been' Haddin - uh, Brad? Gilchurch was still the keeper. What are you doing here?

James 'Dashed' Hopes - contemplating whether or not he'll actually do anything

Brad 'Boss' Hogg - outstanding leg-spinner carrying the entire team

Brett 'Scarecrow' Lee - remember him?

Mitchell 'Johnson &' Johnson - batting at number ten?

Nathan 'Gabba' Bracken - keep him out of the Test team!!

That's the dud team, folks. No wonder the Saffers usurped us back then.

McCullum Magic!

2009-01-30T15:16:00.002+11:00

Good innings for young up-and-coming NSW batsmen Brendon McCullum (114 off 130) against Gnome Langer's Prime Minister's XI .

Let's get this kid into the Australian team straight away!

"We'll take Option b), thanks skip"

2009-01-27T07:48:00.001+11:00

From Sunday's papers:

"Ponting flags 'do or die' effort"

Inspirational stuff.

Quiz Time

2009-01-26T14:36:00.000+11:00

Why has Little Captain Punter not followed his Test captain predecessors in being named as 'Australian of the Year'?

Answers may include any or all of the following words:

'Ashes', '434', 'tactical incompetence', 'whiney little wiener', 'Swisse vitamin whore'

NSW-ish v Victoria-esque

2009-01-23T09:16:00.003+11:00

Heh. It's just getting silly now. First, New South Wales un-Australianingly pulled in Brendan McCullum to play for them in the KFC 'Mmmm, that's interestingly bred chicken' 20/20 State Final Championship thing. Now, Victoria are talking about recruiting Adam Gilchurch or SMS Warne (but, presumably, not both).

How will the NSW hierarchy hit back? I'm guessing somebody's got the shovel and is digging up the Don as we speak.

Return of the Gnome

2009-01-21T09:26:00.003+11:00

He's back, people! And he's going to teach the up-and-comers in the Kevin Rudd XI all he knows. A new generation of cricketers willing to run through brick walls is imminent.

The demise of the Australian cricket team ends here!

What do you think about Justin 'Gnome' Langer teaching young cricketers all he knows, Team Brown Nose Confidante Bingle?

Very awesome, yes.

More Power Play Tactics

2009-01-20T09:00:00.003+11:00

As part of the Drinks Break ongoing bid to help Little Captain Punter (or, ideally, his successor) out with the batting Power Plays, there's a new poll to the right there. When do you think the skipper should take the Power Play? Remember, all votes go direct to Supercoach Nielsen, Cricket Australia, the Adelaide scoreboard (so beautiful, so functional, so old) and a buzzer attached to Mark Nicholas's nether regions.

Vote well!