My Work Here Is Done

This blog was started in 2005, shortly after Australia lost the Ashes for the first time in over 11,000 years. It was, as the original tag line stated, a salute to 'the inevitable demise of the Australian cricket team'. The tag was later changed, as Little Captain Punter unveiled his true leadership skills, to 'the ongoing demise of the Australian cricket team'.

Now, with the Australian Test team losing the Ashes again and firmly ensconced in the mid-rankings, I feel as though the journey is complete.

We have chronicled Australia's descent into Test mediocrity (for, on this blog at least, Test cricket retains its primacy and ODI Champions Trophy victories and the like are disregarded). Now they'll either a) descend to Bangladesh-Zimbabwe-Windies levels, which would start to tip from funny to sad, b) maintain their current standards, which is boring or c) return to the top, which is even more boring.

So that's all. A little four year pocket of Little Captain Punter-led idiocy. That shall be this blog's legacy. I may come back with more posts in the future, if something particularly stupid strikes me. But I wouldn't bet on it.

So farewell Little Captain Punter. Goodbye Pupshark. Adios Mitchell's Johnson, House of Hilf and Peter Siddle In The Middle. Safe journey, Brett Scarecrow Lee. Get better soon, Mr Cricket. To Has-Been Haddin, Cryin' Shane Watson, Nathan 'Ho' Hauritz and all the rest, the best of luck to y'all. You're gonna need it.

And Jessica Bratich? I think I'll miss you most of all...

The More Things Change...

In a changing world where Australia continues its predictable slide down the world cricketing ladder, it's good to know that, come the big tournaments, we can still rely on the Saffers to choke.

Thank you South Africa. Thank you for being you.

Huh?!?

According to the Telegraph, Little Captain Punter has described the tour of England as 'one of the most enjoyable of his career, despite skippering his side to an Ashes defeat for the second time'.

WTF? No, seriously. WTF? Punter now considers Ashes-losing a fundamental part of happy tour? He thinks this shambolic tour was more enjoyable than the time Steve Waugh led the team around the country, kicking Poms in the butt wherever they went, fielding nine slips in an ODI, smashing centuries all over the place despite being unable to walk and only letting the Poms have a consolation win when Gilchurch took over for a rain-disrupted Test? More enjoyable than the time Tubby chose to tour as a professional captain and brilliantly toyed with the Poms, letting them take a 1-0 lead after a couple of Tests before surging home with three consecutive Test wins?

And he's coming back in 2013? Time to settle in for an extended stay in the mid-rankings, I feel.

What do The Eyes of Katich have to say about Little Captain Punter's masochistic sense of fun?

Little Captain Punter. The Eyes of Katich have spoken and they deem thee Misguided In Your Sense Of Fun.

Australia Descends Into Test Mediocrity... Fifteen Months Ago

Australia beat the Poms in an ODI nobody cares about last night. Yawn. It still doesn't erase the fact they are now ranked Number Four on the Test Rankings. And, as we've discussed before, by 'now', I mean 'fifteen months ago', since that's the time lag the ICC ratings system works with.

So, what was the team that slumped to fourth in late May, 2008?

This one:

Phil 'Jaques on a Plane'

Simon 'Handbrake' Katich

Little Captain Punter

Mr Cricket

Michael 'Pupshark' Clarke

Andrew 'Roid' Symonds

Brad 'Has-Been' Haddin

Brett 'Scarecrow' Lee

Mitchell's Johnson

Stuart 'Don't Call Me Michael' Clark

SCG MacGill

No surprises there, surely. Three of this lot are seemingly gone forever/the foreseeable future (Jaques on a Plane, Roid Symonds and SCG MacGill). Two are in the frame but no certainties (Scarecrow and Stuey Clark). But the other six live on. Come on, Cricket Australia - let's dump the dead wood!

GUILTY!

On my previous blog post, I got a comment from Captain Carnage, one of the fine denizens over at the aptly-named We'll Have A Bowl Blog. His comment?

"Hmmm...we batted, bowled and fielded better...Sarfraz carried the drinks better...Hilditch reckons we selected better...us bloggers blogged better...there's only one conclusion that we can come to.

On the charge of poor captaincy, I hereby find you, R. Ponting...GUILTY!!!"

This verdict, of course, immdiately reminded me of the scene in Superman where Jor-El (step-great-uncle of Morne Mork-El and his brother Albie Mork-El) sentenced General Zod. And so, a quick dash of Photoshop later...

GUILTY!

Ashes '09 Analysis

An alert analysis from an alert fan:

This is my analysis of The Ashes series (by my stats) and Punter’s influence as captain:

• Australia had 6 of the top 7 batsmen in the series.
• Australia had 6 batsmen average 40 or more in the series. England had 2 and one of them was Trott who played one test.
• Australia scored nearly 150 more runs than England did in the series.
• Australia had the top 3 wicket takers in the series and took 12 wickets more than England did in the Series.
• Australia had the 2 highest scoring batting innings in the series (6/674 dec and 445) and England had the worst batting innings (102) in the series.
• Australia had 4 of the top 5 catchers in the field. And Haddin took more dismissals behind the stumps than Prior (despite playing one less test).
• Yet, despite all of this we lost the series… Now, if we batted, bowled and fielded better both individually and as a team, then what other factor can be attributed to a series loss…

Astute stuff. Is it no wonder that there was a recent question on 'Yahoo! Answers' about burning effigies of Ponting? The question's since been deleted (or burnt in effigy?!? You decide), but still...

Ashes Fact Time!

Sure, we can continue to go on about Little Captain Punter. And we will. My word, we will.

But not this day.

This day, I thought I'd instead offer up a thrilling Ashes stat, which I guarantee has not been revealed elsewhere:

Jonathan Trott was the first Ashes centurion whose surname is one spelling mistake from a type of horse's gait since Graham Yallop!

One for the record books, certainly.

What do you think of this thrilling piece of trivia, Ashes Obscure Fact Gatherer and Amateur Equestrian Jessica Bratich?

Boy, you said it, Jessica. Yowsers, indeed.